I have a friend who's an agnostic apathetic bisexual: "I don't know, I don't care, and maybe I'll sleep with it."
I emote so much people often have to towel themselves off.
I played spin the bottle once. I gave someone mono.
There are revisionist historians out there that claim that the Holocaust never happened. Evidently they think it was all a psycho-Semitic hallucination.
Computers allow you to make mistakes faster than any other human invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum
saxum immane mittam.
(I have a catapult. Give me all the money,
or I will throw a rock at your head.)
Playing D&D: I just took 80 points of damage! I think it's a whole lot worse... except that you're dead and I'm not.
It's only 9:15?!? Time is so curvy it's kicking itself in the butt!
- Millie, from Ozy And Millie
6/17/03
You don't use an apostrophe to MAKE A PLURAL! Did we all fail GRADE
FOUR or something??
- Bob, from Bob the Angry Flower
"Plural's"
It's like I'm in a Greenpeace-sponsored bukkake tree porn
flick, and I'm the chick tied helplessly to the chair in the center of
the room being hosed down with tree semen.
- Shannon, from Queen Of Wands
5/28/03
Man, you're about as swift as a sack of legless monkeys neck-deep in dried cement.
- Baxter, from Catharsis 10/7/03
I like to head down to my workshop and make my own [sex toys]! There's nothing quite like running a piece of virgin hardwood through my "Love Lathe."
- Maura, from Diesel Sweeties #172
You're every bit as wholesome as sleeping in Vasolene.
- Indie Rock Pete, from Diesel Sweeties #1202
Don't blame the dominatrix for your welts if you're paying for the whipping.
- a television, from Diesel Sweeties #1383
NASCAR is a Yankee conspiracy to keep you all placated, so the South won't rise again.
- Martin, from Questionable Content 3/30/05
I think I object to pants as a measure of dignity.
- Ozy, from Ozy and Millie 8/30/05
Maturity is knowing when to let the other fellow be wrong.
- Merlin, from Arthur, King of Time and Space 8/11/06
Never judge a book by its cover / Or who you're gonna love by your lover
- Aerosmith, "Dude (Looked Like A Lady)"
Keep on dreaming, boy / 'Cause when you stop dreaming / It's time to die
- Blind Melon, "Change"
Tonight let's do this thing / All we are is wasting hours / Until the sun comes up, it's all ours
- Dave Matthews Band, "Say Goodbye"
A normal cat uterus resembles flaccid pasta.
- "Emergency Vets", Animal Planet
I'm mopping up the floor / From messy recipies of romance / I'm packing up the pots / Too many cooks in the kitchen
- Smash Mouth, "Waste"
I'm just saying, if you're going to misuse a word, you should do it properly!
- Dana to Natalie, "SportsNight"
Unhappiness can be seductive
- Stephen Sondheim, "Passion"
Every artist is a cannibal / Every poet is a thief /
All kill their inspiration / Then sing about their grief
- U2, "The Fly"
Strap your groove to the roof, we're going for a ride.
- amergina@dementia
You're young, you're crazy, you're in bed, and you've got
knives.
- Angelina Jolie, explaining her scars to a newspaper
reporter
Zephyr clients are the cooties of a new generation.
- cana@athena
Putting paprika on your ass? Not my god-damned kink, monkey-boy.
- ceo@lj
*pats head* Carry on. Oh, and go peel me a grape.
- -d
Is that [redacted] sneezing? It sounds like a pissed-off
Doberman.
- jason
He wasn't being intentionally creepy, so I didn't want to say
anything to him. Instead I just changed my hair color.
- jax
dip it in shellac, throw it out at the first goddamned red-sox game, i don't care – it's not supposed to be there, TAKE IT OUT!
- kaz, talking about the absurdity of exploratory surgery
The truth comes from how good you are at creating signal when
there's nothing but noise.
- merovingian@lj
Please accept that most gamers do not have issues with women –
they have a subscription, a complete collection from issue one and
fancy binders to keep them in.
- Mongoose Publishing, "The
Slayer's Guide To Female Gamers"
My theory is that you can't make fun of the way people smile or dance. Both are directly linked to the person's inner self and should be encouraged instead of discouraged.
- quinn
If you sinned any faster, you'd lose conciousness.
- leah
You couldn't grin innocently if you tried.
- sarah
Must you always be whacking the crystalline subtlety of my butt
jokes with your Hammer of Tastelessness?
- simone
If you hadn't been stalking me, I would have thought less of
you.
- s.b.
If sex were taxed, I'd be getting one heck of a refund
cheque.
- annamammal
Falling in love with [Joni Mitchell] was like falling into a
cement mixer.
- David Crosby
A romantic relationship that isn't also a friendship isn't much
of a romantic relationship at all.
- godmoma
Why smile and nod when you can disagree and process?
-
s.t.
How can anybody say that markets are efficient in a world where
attractive women routinely wash their underwear?
- Willo
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
Instant Mac&Cheese is like MSWindows. It's not really
food, and fundamentally the whole concept is flawed, yet millions use
it and are somewhat satisfied.
- geek@andrew
Excel: "This selection is not valid."
Your mom is not valid, you worthless overgrown piece of graph paper.
- ladytabitha@lj
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