Quick as a wink, the sly cat had eaten Monroe's cheese sandwich. (B. Kliban) The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line. (Doc Webster) Just holdin on for the ride. (IG) Sometimes even music cannot substitute for tears. (Paul Simon) She rubbed some iodine on his cut. He said 'Ow, that makes it smart'. She promptly tried rubbing some on his head, to no effect. Internal error! Strike any system administrator to continue. To err is human, to moo bovine CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted. Re-boot Washington D.C.? (Y/N) "There is a realm of Truth and Beauty, and Reason is excluded from it!" (Nietzche) If you loved me, you wouldn't call me your platypus. Self-Restraint can be quite dangerous, and should only be exercised by responsible people. It's still a really bad language, though. I mean, saying "better than C++" is a lot like saying "More nourishing than Pez." (Ben Tober, referring to Java on #root one day) Force is the weapon of the weak. (Utah Phillips) To sweep, perchance to clean. Refuse novocaine - transcend dental medication." GPF - Windows Died for your Sins "I don't understand why this install won't work. The manual said to make sure you had Win95 or better, so I used Linux." First time surrealists are often confused by the similarities between fish and telephones. (Norman Walsh ) Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that. Why is it we never know the moment love begins, but we always know the moment it ends? (Steve Martin - LA Story) A host is a host from coast to coast, and no one can talk to a host that's close, unless, of course that host that's close is busy, hung, or dead. (Net.Lore) "Now we see the sexism inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being stereotyped!" (Catya Belfer-Shevett) "In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. (Mark Twain) "Mr Simpson, this is the most blatant case of false advertising that I've seen since my lawsuit against the film 'The Neverending Story'" "Discourage Inbreeding: Ban Country Music" (Seen on a pickup truck in south Louisiana) SCSI is *NOT* magic. There are *fundamental technical reasons* why it is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain now and then. (attribution removed to avoid getting the author spammed) I don't want to cause no fuss, But how long *is* your SCSI bus? (Todd Masco) #---------------------------------------------------------------------------- # From a joke Lisa Snook sent me: # From the "Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Sysadmin" (Jonathan Kalbfeld) : #10: You see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs. From the "Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Sysadmin" (Jonathan Kalbfeld) : #9 Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl. From the "Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Sysadmin" (Jonathan Kalbfeld) : #8 You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college. From the "Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Sysadmin" (Jonathan Kalbfeld) : #6 Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion. From the "Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Sysadmin" (Jonathan Kalbfeld) : #3 "What? No raise? No Backups, then!" From the "Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Sysadmin" (Jonathan Kalbfeld) : #2 You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File System. From the "Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Sysadmin" (Jonathan Kalbfeld) : #1 You have ever uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants." #---------------------------------------------------------------------------- # The following quotes are gleaned from Nathan Mehl's sig file... # "Just for the record, you can't get into the ballet with a lacrosse stick and a bag of rats." (Ozone Patrol) "Just remember. Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C." (Firesign Theatre) "Bedford has never ever heard of Salvador Dali. Which is perfectly all right. Salvador Dali and fifty cents will get you a cup of clock melt." "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." "The life of a sysadmin is always intense!" "What's the difference between a regular actuary and a Chicago actuary? A regular actuary can tell you how many people will die in the next year. The Chicago actuary can tell you their names." --Chuck McClenahan "Television is going to change the world; it's got everything you need: sight, sound, motion and stupid white men." (Nolanda Hill) "You understand the concepts of breaking down a human psyche." "Well sure, I work for Warner Bros." (JMS) "Because you humans are stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid STUPID!" (Alien Commander, Plan 9 From Outer Space) Now we've got to think here. Now let's see. What would Brian Boitano do? [Steve Jobs] was annoyed at having to defend Macintosh from industry pundits' criticism that it was not compatible with software that ran on IBM's Disk Operating System. In retrospect, this complaint seems ludicrous, like criticizing tractors because they do not require Oxen. (--Steven Levy, "Insanely Great") Das Internet is nicht fuer gefingerclicken und giffengrabben. Ist easy droppenpacket der routers und overloaden der backbone mit der spammen unt der me-tooen. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen. Das musclicken sichtseeren keepen das bandwit-spewin hans in das pockets muss; relaxen und watchen das cursorblinken! (Michael Driscoll) You can't say "tits" on the radio, but you can say "Pamela Anderson Lee" and what's the difference? (Sarah Vowell) "_G.I. Jane_ is a demeaning, violent, bloody workout video. Some brief nudity, bad language and a false sense of human resilience. Rated R." (CNN) SENDING JUNK EMAIL TO MY ADDRESS CONSTITUTES YOUR LEGALLY-BINDING ACCEPTANCE OF MY OFFER TO REMOVE BOTH OF YOUR NIPPLES WITH AN ORBITAL SANDER. (Andy Ihnatko) Calling Motif a GUI is like calling a pile of bricks an apartment building. #---------------------------------------------------------------------------- # misc quotes # "I know it is customary for witnesses to express their # great pleasure to appear before you, but because I am # under oath, I am unable to say I share that sentiment." # - Harold M. Ickes, # former Clinton aide, to senators investigating # campaign finance abuses. "By idolizing those whom we honor, we do a disservice both to them and to ourselves. . . . We fail to recognize that we could go and do likewise." (Charles V. Willie) #---------------------------------------------------------------------------- #> Sent: Thursday, October 09, 1997 11:05 AM #> To: blake@security.com #> Subject: Booh96@aol.com: Fwd: Ineffective Daily Affirmations As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') # I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no # personality at all. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') I am at one with my duality. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') # I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') # False hope is nicer than no hope at all. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. (from 'Ineffective Daily Affirmations') #---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does the name 'pavlov' ring any bells? A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea. (John Ciardi) #---------------------------------------------------------------------------- # Date: Fri, 14 Nov 1997 11:58:29 -0500 (EST) # From: Mattison # To: Cave , Icon Humor # Subject: Performance Evaluation (fwd) # 'Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.' (quote from an employee performance review) 'His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.' (quote from an employee performance review) 'I would not allow this employee to breed.' (quote from an employee performance review) 'This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.' (quote from an employee performance review) 'Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.' (quote from an employee performance review) 'When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.' (quote from an employee performance review) 'He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.' (quote from an employee performance review) 'This young lady has delusions of adequacy.' (quote from an employee performance review) 'He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.' (quote from an employee performance review) 'This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better.' (quote from an employee performance review) 'This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.' (quote from an employee performance review) "Stop it you two, this duel is pointless!" "It better be, we're both clerics..." (Anon) #---------------------------------------------------------------------------- # From a list Alan Wexelblat posted to void... # You Know You're a coffee addict when (#1) : You answer the door before people knock. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#2) : Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#3) : You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#4) : You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#5) : You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#6) : You have to watch videos in fast-forward. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#7) : You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#8) : You lick your coffeepot clean. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#9) : You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You Know You're a coffee addict when (#10) : You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#12) : Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#13) : You chew on other people's fingernails. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#14) : The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse You Know You're a coffee addict when (#15) : You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their milk shakes. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#16) : You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#17) : You can jump-start your car without cables. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#18) : All your kids are named "Joe". You Know You're a coffee addict when (#19) : Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You Know You're a coffee addict when (#20) : You don't sweat, you percolate. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#21) : You buy half-and-half by the barrel. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#22) : You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#23) : You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#24) : You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#25) : People get dizzy just watching you. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#26) : Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#27) : Instant coffee takes too long. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#28) : When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You Know You're a coffee addict when (#29) : You want to be cremated just so your body can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#31) : Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#32) : You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#33) : You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#34) : You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#35) : Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#36) : You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#37) : You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#38) : You short out motion detectors. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#39) : You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#40) : Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#41) : You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#42) : You don't tan, you roast. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#43) : Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during, and coffee after meals. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#45) : You can't even remember your second cup. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#46) : You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#47) : Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#48) : You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#49) : You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." You Know You're a coffee addict when (#50) : Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You Know You're a coffee addict when (#51) : Your thermos has wheels on it Ring around the Internet / A packet with a bit not set / ENQ ACK, ENQ ACK / We all go down! (Allon Stern) # # stuff from the cookie file... # Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute, for they shall be know as Dentists. "Tell the truth and run." (Yugoslav proverb) "Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol..." (Crazy Nigel) "Our reruns are better than theirs." (Nick at Nite) Wherever you go...There you are. (Buckaroo Banzai) On the subject of C program indentation: "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." (Blair P. Houghton) "And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb." (Spaceballs) # # THese came from a Terminology of the 90's file Gail Mailitas mailed us. # 90's Vocab: Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. 90's Vocab: Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. 90's Vocab: Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. 90's Vocab: Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. 90's Vocab: Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name. 90's Vocab: Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993." 90's Vocab: 404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found," meaning the requested document couldn't be located. 90's Vocab: Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. 90's Vocab: Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. 90's Vocab: Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. 90's Vocab: Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake. 90's Vocab: Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed." 90's Vocab: Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 90's Vocab: SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. 90's Vocab: Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite. 90's Vocab: Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. 90's Vocab: Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 90's Vocab: Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 90's Vocab: Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists." 90's Vocab: Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. 90's Vocab: Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 90's Vocab: Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.) 90's Vocab: Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here." 90's Vocab: Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. 90's Vocab: Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence. 90's Vocab: Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa." 90's Vocab: Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!" 90's Vocab: Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help." 90's Vocab: Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia. 90's Vocab: Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. 90's Vocab: Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in." GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. 90's Vocab: Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. 90's Vocab: Midair Passenger Exchange - Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain." 90's Vocab: Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser. 90's Vocab: PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.") 90's Vocab: Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. 90's Vocab: Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh-ts over everything and then leaves. 90's Vocab: Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow." 90's Vocab: Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits. 90's Vocab: Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is uh.. Dale, my...um...friend..." 90's Vocab: Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. 90's Vocab: Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. 90's Vocab: Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps." # # some more humor. # Home is where you hang your @ (Maxims for the Internet Age) The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. (Maxims for the Internet Age) The modem is the message. (Maxims for the Internet Age) The geek shall inherit the earth. (Maxims for the Internet Age) A chat has nine lives. (Maxims for the Internet Age) Don't byte off more than you can view. (Maxims for the Internet Age) What boots up must come down. (Maxims for the Internet Age) Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. (Maxims for the Internet Age) Beware of geeks bearing GIF's. (Maxims for the Internet Age) ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. (Maxims for the Internet Age) # # From rec.humor.funny... # 10) "Is it virgin's tears and dragon's blood, or dragon's tears and virgin's blood? Maybe the dragon was a virgin.." (from 'Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle...') 9) "Hmm...is this the recipe for a Potion of Healing, or for Chile Con Carne?" (from 'Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle...') 8) "Oh, oh, oh, oh! That wand of cold balls -didn't- do what I expected." (from 'Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle...') 7) "By any chance, have you seen a summoned 9th order fire elemental wandering around? No? Oh.. Tell me if you do." (from 'Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle...') 6) "It's supposed to have five points?" (from 'Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle...') 5) "My familiar will take care of that dragon! Sic 'em, Fifi!" (from 'Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle...') 4) "What kind of cheap, wussyarse excuse for a djinn only gives one wish? Oh, he's still here..." (from 'Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle...') 3) "Eennie, meenie, miny, moe.. Which end points toward the foe?" (from 'Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle...') 2) "Damn. I knew I should have used Energizers in this thing." (from 'Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle...') 1) "Oops..." (from 'Top 10 things you don't want to hear your mage say in battle...') # # Gleaned from Usenet... # Liz Taylor is suffering from a fracture in her lower back and will remain hospitalized for several more days. Doctors say it is not serious, though -- and she should be up and marrying again in no time. (from rec.humor) # # From Yet Another posting from Mattison's list. (3/12/98) # I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking very good for you either. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem, pal. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!" Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't remove his pants. I'm young at heart...and slightly older in other places. We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful. If at first you don't succeed, to Hell with it. Do unto others, then run. (Benny Hill) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack. I used to be Snow White; but I drifted. -- Mae West Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong. If swimming is good for your figure, how do you explain whales being so fat? Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege and ruin it for the rest of us. The more you run over a dead skunk, the flatter it gets. I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. I put the "fun" in dysfunctional. # # from pb... # Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? (Elyse Tera) # It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion \ It is by the beans of Java my thoughts acquire speed \ The hands acquire shaking \ The shaking becomes a warning \ It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion # # from Eric Smith # "Believe me, my young friend, there is nothing-- absolutely nothing-- half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats." (Kenneth Grahame, The Wind in the Willows) # # from elbows. # "In terms of a machine acting as a file server, NT 4.0 is inferior to a dead bat carrying Post-It notes underwater." (Nico Garcia) A PC is sort of like a hammer, its the wrong tool for every job but it works well enough. Perl is like a pair of vise grips. You can do anything with it, and it's the wrong tool for every job. # # from the bot on #windowsnt # The tragedy of Canada is they had the chance to have British culture, French cuisine, and American Technology. Instead they wound up with American culture, British cuisine, and French technology. # # Mattison mail # "Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." (TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz") Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") Keep honking while I reload. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") Jack Kevorkian for White House physician. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy. ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! ("Extreme Bumper Stickers") "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." (Anon) Geek: n. person possessing knowledge who is not afraid to use it, abuse it, share or overshare it. (Crash & Davo, June 10, 1998) Windows98 Err#000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Encountered Windows98 Err#001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly Windows98 Err#002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet) Windows98 Err#003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)? Windows98 Err#004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error Windows98 Err#005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename Windows98 Err#006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash Windows98 Err#007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited Windows98 Err#008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy Windows98 Err#009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors Windows98 Err#00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered Windows98 Err#00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement Windows98 Err#00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time Windows98 Err#00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found Windows98 Err#00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize Windows98 Err#00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors Windows98 Err#010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead Windows98 Err#011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN Windows98 Err#012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated Windows98 Err#013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down Windows98 Err#014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue Windows98 Err#015 - Error Message Deleted Windows98 Err#016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence Windows98 Err#017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused Windows98 Err#018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations Windows98 Err#019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue Windows98 Err#01A - Insult Detected-Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted Windows98 Err#01B - Error Removing Temporary File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted Windows98 Err#01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That. Windows98 Err#01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota Windows98 Err#01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here Windows98 Err#01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait.... Windows98 Err#020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember Windows98 Err#021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error Windows98 Err#022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything # # from a chat on #nop on 7/22/98 # "... I've seen Sun monitors on fire off the side of the multimedia lab. I've seen NTU lights glitter in the dark near the Mail Gate. All these things will be lost in time, like the root partition last week. Time to die...". - Peter Gutmann # # from Adam # I wrote this poem about 15 years ago in Ireland. In those days, that country was so strict you used to have to smuggle condoms through the airport in bags of heroin. - Punk poet John Cooper Clarke # # from Scott and his officemate John # "This entire industry is run on hype and duct tape." "Yeah, and the duct tape doesn't get the recognition it deserves." (bliv and katsumi) # # forwarded from Eric Smith: # Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? [OK] # # i thought i had this here... # Hmm. Where am I going? And... what am I doing in this handbasket? # # said on IRC the other day # "I just want to write an ascii text file, not launch the damn space shuttle =P" (Cathy S, referring to Emacs, quoting... ??)# "Don't make me come back there and reboot you." (Cathy S, while working on a less than cooperative server) # Said by rob, during a good intense convo: # Well, perception is 9/10 of the awe. (neimon) "There are four boxes that are used in the defense of liberty. Soap, Ballot, Jury, and Ammo. Use in that order." (Anon) What you heard was wrong; actually, nature *adores* a vacuum. That's why most of the universe consists of vacuum. And that's why we have vacuum cleaners -- to clean something nature is fond of. (Peter van der Linden - linden@eng.sun.com) # # pulled from some Dilbert quotes # Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. My reality check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I don't suffer from stress, I'm a carrier. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. # # Ulf forwarded this. # Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?" Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." (Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest) "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." (Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC) "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward) "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." (Mariah Carey, pop singer) "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." (Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents) "The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder." (Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention) "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." (Former French President Charles de Gaulle) "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." (David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.) "The Internet is a great way to get on the Net." (Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole) "Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." (Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower) "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." (Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery) "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." (Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." (Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show) "It's like an Alcatraz around my neck." (Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces) "Half this game is ninety percent mental." (Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark) "They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." (Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers) "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago." (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle) "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle) "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle) # # scott said this on channel one day. # grep... grep... grep... (frog with unix stuck in his throat) # # stuff from varda # "Personally, I like the power trip involved in reducing an otherwise intelligent human being to incoherent noises and squeaks." (laura neil) # # soem more mail # 1.) HEIDI - noun. greeting. (from 'Hickphonics') 2.) HIRE YEW - complete sentence. remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?" (from 'Hickphonics') 3.) BARD - verb. past tense of "to borrow". Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." (from 'Hickphonics') 4.) JAWJUH - noun. a state just north of Florida. Capital is Lanna. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." (from 'Hickphonics') 5.) BAMMER - noun. state just west of Jawjuh. Usage: "A tornader went thru bammer 'n left $20 million in improvements." (from 'Hickphonics') 6.) MUNTS - noun. a calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain't herd from him in munts." (from 'Hickphonics') 7.) THANK - verb. ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." (from 'Hickphonics') 8.) BARE - noun. an alcoholic beverage. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." (from 'Hickphonics') 9.) IGNERT - adjective. not smart. see "Arkansas native". Usage: "Some of those Bammer boys sure are ignert." (from 'Hickphonics') 10.) RANCH - noun. a tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of my pickup truck that my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." (from 'Hickphonics') 11.) ALL - noun. a petroleum-based product. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." (from 'Hickphonics') 12.) FAR - noun. a conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in the pickup truck he bard, that thangs gonna catch far." (from 'Hickphonics') 13.) TAR - noun. a rubber wheel. Usage: "I hope my brother from Jawjuh don' git a flat tar in my pickup truck." (from 'Hickphonics') 14.) TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Lanna, and boy are my arms tarred." (from 'Hickphonics') 15.) FARN - adjective. not from here. Usage: "I can't unnerstant a wurd he sed. He must be from sum farn cuntry." (from 'Hickphonics') 16.) DID - adjective. not alive. Usage: "He ain't breathin.' Must be did." (from 'Hickphonics') 17.) EAR - noun. a colorless gas (except in LA.) Usage: "I'm gonna go outside fer some fresh ear!" (from 'Hickphonics') 18.) BOB WAR - noun. a sharp twisted cable. Usage: "Stay away from that bob war fence." (from 'Hickphonics') 19.) JEW HERE - noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence company?" (from 'Hickphonics') 20.) HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart? Nah, haze ignert. (from 'Hickphonics') 21.) SEED - verb. past tense of see. (from 'Hickphonics') 22.) VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City...view?" (from 'Hickphonics') 23.) GUMMIT - noun. a bureaucratic state or federal institution. Usage: "them gummit boys sure are ignert." (from 'Hickphonics') # # another Mattison mail. # Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #39. "I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #38. Duct tape won't fix that. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #35. We don't keep firearms in this house. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #33. You can't feed that to the dog. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #32. I thought Graceland was tacky. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #30. Wrasslin's fake. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greeenpeace? Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #28. We're vegetarians. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #27. Do you think my hair is too big? Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #24. Who's Richard Petty? Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #22. Deer heads detract from the decor. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #21. Spitting is such a nasty habit. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #19. Trim the fat off that steak. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #17. The tires on that truck are too big. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #16. I'll have the arugula and ridiccio salad. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #15. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #9. Checkmate. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #5. I don't have a favorite college team. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. Things you'll never hear a redneck say: #1. Elvis who? # The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. -Bertrand Russell Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex. -Oscar Wilde As a wise old man once said: "Ouch!" Than again, he had dropped something on his foot. What, you don't think wise men can be clumsy?!? (Thanks to Benjamin Altman) The is a realm of Truth and Being and Reason is excluded from it! - Nietzche # # Real Genius # "I drank what?" (Socrates) # # Stuff from Hot Shots # "That's the whitest white part of the eye I've ever seen. Do you floss?" (Topper Harley - Hot Shots) # "The three enemies of the people are hegemony, monogamy, and monotony." - Terrence McKenna # # From a list that Rob sent me. (4/18/99) # Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. (from 'Handy work phrases') The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. (from 'Handy work phrases') I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. (from 'Handy work phrases') Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. (from 'Handy work phrases') I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. (from 'Handy work phrases') I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. (from 'Handy work phrases') What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? (from 'Handy work phrases') I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. (from 'Handy work phrases') I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. (from 'Handy work phrases') Ahhh... I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again... (from 'Handy work phrases') I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. (from 'Handy work phrases') It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. (from 'Handy work phrases') Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. (from 'Handy work phrases') No, my powers can only be used for good. (from 'Handy work phrases') How about never? Does never work for you? (from 'Handy work phrases') I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. (from 'Handy work phrases') You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. (from 'Handy work phrases') Are you a f***ing ray of sunshine every day? (from 'Handy work phrases') I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. (from 'Handy work phrases') I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... (from 'Handy work phrases') I don't work here. I'm a consultant. (from 'Handy work phrases') Who me? I just wander from room to room. (from 'Handy work phrases') My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! (from 'Handy work phrases') It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. (from 'Handy work phrases') At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. (from 'Handy work phrases') You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. (from 'Handy work phrases') I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. (from 'Handy work phrases') Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. (from 'Handy work phrases') I like you... I'll kill you last... (from 'Handy work phrases') # # michael got these from pyrophage # From '10 signs you've had too much of the 90s' - #10: You try to enter your password on the microwave. From '10 signs you've had too much of the 90s' - #9: You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." From '10 signs you've had too much of the 90s' - #8: You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. From '10 signs you've had too much of the 90s' - #7: You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. From '10 signs you've had too much of the 90s' - #6: You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?" From '10 signs you've had too much of the 90s' - #5: Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website. From '10 signs you've had too much of the 90s' - #4: You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. From '10 signs you've had too much of the 90s' - #3: You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page. From '10 signs you've had too much of the 90s' - #1: Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised. From '10 signs you've had too much of the 90s' - #2: You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it Echinacea. # # From a list that Cat forwarded to me # Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. (Richard Lewis) My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. (David Steinberg) I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays. (Henny Youngman) Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. (Mel Brooks) The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. (Jules Farber) Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish. (Lenny Bruce) God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change? (Shalom Aleichem) The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. (Calvin Trillin) Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! (Golda Meir) Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. (Peter Malkin) Humility is no substitute for a good personality. (Fran Lebowitz) My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. (Benjamin Disreali) It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. (Sam Levenson) Don't be humble; you are not that great. (Golda Meir) God will pardon me. It's His business. (Heinrich Heine) I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. (Joe E. Lewis) Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. (Sam Goldwyn) Everybody likes a kidder but nobody lends him money. (Arthur Miller) I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. (Jackie Mason) I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. (Woody Allen) Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? (Groucho Marx) Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy (Groucho Marx) A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. (Oscar Levant) Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. (George Burns) Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen. (Mort Sahl) A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. (Milton Berle) Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way. (uncredited) I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. (Sam Goldwyn) Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. (Ernie Kovacs) With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink. (George Burns) When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. (Henry Kissinger) Quantum Mechanics: The dreams that stuff is made of. (Adams Douglas) # # More mattmail # All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever-so far, so good. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Two wrongs are only the beginning. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Since when is "public safety" the root password to the Constitution? # # One Pat sent me # If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. (Dr Suess explains computers) # # smething that came off 0xdeadbeef # Things you'll hear if you have a Klingon on your development team: 10) "Behold, the keyboard of Kaylis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!" Things you'll hear if you have a Klingon on your development team: 9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!" Things you'll hear if you have a Klingon on your development team: 8) "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!" Things you'll hear if you have a Klingon on your development team: 7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!" Things you'll hear if you have a Klingon on your development team: 6) "Our competitors are without honor!" Things you'll hear if you have a Klingon on your development team: 5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!" Things you'll hear if you have a Klingon on your development team: 4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!" Things you'll hear if you have a Klingon on your development team: 3) "This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!" Things you'll hear if you have a Klingon on your development team: 2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!" Things you'll hear if you have a Klingon on your development team: 1) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!" # # These are just warped. # 12. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!" (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) 11. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must." (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) 10. "Feel the force!" (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) 9. "Foreplay, cuddling -- a Jedi craves not these things." (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) 8. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!" (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) 7. "Do me or do me not -- there is no try." (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) 6. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!" (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) 5. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?" (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) 4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does." (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) 3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?" (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) 2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!" (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) 1. "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass." (Top 12 things uttered by Yoda during sex) # # from #nop Computers for me come in basically two varieties: new, and useless. (RayTracer, on IRC) # # Mmm, Dave Barry # If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. (Dave Barry) # # from cathy's .sig one day # [He] crafts his debate with the professionally honed edge of a plastic snack spork." # # Sailing quotes. # "The Ocean weeds out, from all the races of mankind that come upon it to make a living, a certain type of person. This type of person stays with the ocean, and the rest are castback ashore to deal with the land people." # # from a list of oxymorons that scott forwarded. # 50. Act naturally. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 49. Found missing. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 48. Resident alien. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 47. Advanced BASIC. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 46. Genuine imitation. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 45. Airline food. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 44. Good grief. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 43. Same difference. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 42. Almost exactly. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 41. Government organization. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 40. Sanitary landfill. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 39. Alone together. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 38. Legally drunk. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 37. Silent scream. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 36. British fashion. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 35. Living dead. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 34. Small crowd. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 33. Business ethics. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 32. Soft rock. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 31. Butt Head. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 30. Military Intelligence. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 29. Software documentation. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 28. New York culture. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 27. New classic. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 26. Sweet sorrow. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 25. Childproof. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 24. "Now, then ..." (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 23. Synthetic natural gas. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 22. Christian Scientists. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 21. Passive aggression. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 20. Taped live. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 19. Clearly misunderstood. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 18. Peace force. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 17. Extinct life. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 16. Temporary tax increase. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 15. Computer jock. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 14. Plastic glasses. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 13. Terribly pleased. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 12. Computer security. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 11. Political science. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 10. Tight slacks. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 9. Definite maybe. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 8. Pretty ugly. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 6. Diet ice cream. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 5. Rap music. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 4. Working vacation. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 3. Exact estimate. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 2. Religious tolerance. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') 1. Microsoft Works. (from 'Top 50 Oxymorons') # # Lines from www.chiasmus.com # "She knows there's no success like failure, And that failure's no success at all." (Bob Dylan, from www.chiasmus.com) "Life imitates art far more than art imitates life." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "I made art a philosophy, and philosophy an art." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "When we are happy we are always good, but when we are good we are not always happy." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "When a man says he has exhausted life, one always knows life has exhausted him." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "The soul is born old, but grows young. That is the comedy of life. And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "Nowadays, all the married men live like bachelors, and all the bachelors like married men." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "The Ideal man . . . should always say much more than he means, and always mean much more than he says." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "No crime is vulgar, but all vulgarity is crime." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "As for begging, it is safer to beg than to take, but it is finer to take than to beg." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "The aim of most of our modern novelists seems to be, not to write good novels, but to write novels that will do good." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "(An) inferior poet . . . lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realize. " (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "In France . . . they limit the journalist, and allow the artist almost perfect freedom. Here we allow absolute freedom to the journalist, and entirely limit the artist." (Oscar Wilde, referring to England - www.chiasmus.com) "Knaves nowadays do look so honest that honest folk are forced to look like knaves so as to be different." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "I wrote when I did not know life; now that I do know the meaning of life, I have no more to write. Life cannot be written; life can only be lived." (Oscar Wilde - www.chiasmus.com) "Parents have too little respect for their children, just as the children have too much for the parents." (Ivy Compton-Burnett - www.chiasmus.com) "In Europe men and women have intercourse because they love each other. In the South Seas they love each other because they have had intercourse. Who is right?" (Paul Gauguin - www.chiasmus.com) "Misery seeks not man, but man misery." (Fanny Burney - www.chiasmus.com) "When the white man came, we had the land and they had the bibles. Now they have the land and we have the bibles." (Chief Dan George - www.chiasmus.com) "You mustn't force sex to do the work of love or love to do the work of sex." (Mary McCarthy - www.chiasmus.com) "Thought that can merge wholly into feeling, feeling that can merge wholly into thought-- these are the artist's highest joy." (Thomas Mann - www.chiasmus.com) "Architect, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money." (Ambrose Bierce - www.chiasmus.com) "If thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought." (George Orwell - www.chiasmus.com) "Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him." (Marilyn Monroe - www.chiasmus.com) "I heard if you play the NT-4.0-CD backwards, you get a satanic message." "Thats nothing, if you play it forward, it installs NT-4.0" Windows95 (noun): 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition. Linux: Why use windows, if there is a door? The sticker on the side of the box said "Supported Platforms: Windows 95, Windows NT 4.0, or better", so clearly Linux was a supported platform. Given infinite time, 100 monkeys could type out the complete works of Shakespeare. Win 98 source code? Eight monkeys, five minutes. "Like, omigawd! Grep me on a sparc! Swap me out!" (Regis, the Silicon Valley girl) # # RHPS stuff # "What diabolical chicken stepped on your forehead?!?" (The Audience - RHPS) # # stuff from the GNU humor page. # ENOTOBACCO Read on an empty pipe EBEFOREI: Invalid syntax (missing errno(2) codes) ECHERNOBYL: Core dumped (missing errno(2) codes) ECRAY: Program exited before being run (missing errno(2) codes) EDINGDONG: The daemon is dead (missing errno(2) codes) EFLAT: System needs tuning (missing errno(2) codes) EGEEK: Program written by inept Frat member (missing errno(2) codes) EIEIO: Here-a-bug, there-a-bug, .... (missing errno(2) codes) EIUD: Missing period (missing errno(2) codes) ELECTROLUX: Your code could stand to be cleaned up (missing errno(2) codes) EMILYPOST: Wrong fork (missing errno(2) codes) END.ARMS.CONTROL: Silo overflow (missing errno(2) codes) ENOHORSE: Mount failed (missing errno(2) codes) ENONSEQUETOR: C program not derived from main(){printf("Hello, world");} (missing errno(2) codes) EWATERGATE: Extended tape gap (missing errno(2) codes) EWOK: Aliens sighted (missing errno(2) codes) EWOK: Your code appears to have been stir-fried (missing errno(2) codes) EWOULDBNICE: The feature you want has not been implemented yet (missing errno(2) codes) SIGNUKE: Nuclear event occurred (cannot be caught or ignored :-) (missing errno(2) codes) # Advanced User: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its packing materials. ("Terms for Software Releases) Power User: A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast controls on any computer monitor. ("Terms for Software Releases) American Made: Assembled in America from parts made abroad. ("Terms for Software Releases) Alpha Test Version: Too buggy to be released to the paying public. ("Terms for Software Releases) Beta Test Version: Still too buggy to be released. ("Terms for Software Releases) Release Version: Alternate pronunciation of "Beta Test Version". ("Terms for Software Releases) Sales Manager: Last week's new sales associate. ("Terms for Software Releases) Consultant: A former sales associate who has mastered at least one tenth of the dBase III Plus Manual. ("Terms for Software Releases) Systems Integrator: A former consultant who understands the term AUTOEXEC.BAT. AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT hard disks into performing properly. ("Terms for Software Releases) Backup: The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make; used only in the abstract. ("Terms for Software Releases) Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning to wish it had built. ("Terms for Software Releases) Convertible: Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate doorstop or paperweight. (Replaces the term "junior".) ("Terms for Software Releases) Copy Protection: A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from stealing software and legitimate customers from using it. ("Terms for Software Releases) Database Manager: A program that allows users to manipulate data in every conceivable way except the absolutely essential way they conceive of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw data. ("Terms for Software Releases) EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned in cases of apoplexy induced by attempts to understand extended, expanded, or enhanced memory specs. ("Terms for Software Releases) Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the creation of computer manuals. ("Terms for Software Releases) FCC-Certified: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television reception until you add the cable that is required to make it work. ("Terms for Software Releases) Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities of data with simple mnemonic commands. ("Terms for Software Releases) Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds of functions that the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen he uses constantly. ("Terms for Software Releases) Laptop: Smaller and lighter than the average breadbox. ("Terms for Software Releases) Multitasking: A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the multitude of computer programs that insist on running too fast. ("Terms for Software Releases) Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to corrupt, trash, and otherwise cause permanent damage to useful information. ("Terms for Software Releases) Portable: Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator. ("Terms for Software Releases) Support: The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have returned a registration card. ("Terms for Software Releases) Transportability: Neither chained to a wall or attached to an alarm system. ("Terms for Software Releases) Printer: An electromechnical paper shredding device. ("Terms for Software Releases) Spreadsheet: A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate assumptions. ("Terms for Software Releases) Thought Processor: An eletronic version of the intended outline procedure that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation from high school. ("Terms for Software Releases) Upgraded: Didn't work the first time. ("Terms for Software Releases) User Friendly: Supplied with a full color manual. ("Terms for Software Releases) Very User Friendly: Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user need not bother with the full color manual. ("Terms for Software Releases) Version 1.0: Buggier than Maine in June; eats data. ("Terms for Software Releases) Version 1.1: Eats data only occasionally; upgrade is free, to avoid litigation by disgruntled users of Version 1.0. ("Terms for Software Releases) Version 2.0: The version originally planned as the first release, except for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away; no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt. ("Terms for Software Releases) Version 3.0: The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt. ("Terms for Software Releases) Videotex: A moribund electronic service offering people the privelege of paying to read the weather on their television screens instead of having Willard Scott read it to them free while they brush their teeth. ("Terms for Software Releases) Warranty: Disclaimer. ("Terms for Software Releases) Workstation: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe that does not offer game programs. ("Terms for Software Releases) It's possible to make platform dependent code, but Netscape has mastered the art of making code that crashes on EVERY KNOWN OS. (ghm on #nop) "I want instant gratification, and I want it NOW!" (Shayde) # # something Cathy saw on a sticker # "Go away or I will replace you with a very small shell script." (www.thinkgeek.com) "My other computer is a 4000 node beowulf cluster." (www.thinkgeek.com) "Do not meddle in the affairs of sysadmins, for they are subtle and quick to anger." (www.thinkgeek.com) # # from www.topfive.com # 20> Worn down at the edges like a Times Square hooker, the caretaker's last tooth lay on the floor like a yellow Chiclet. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 19> When she stepped out of her dress, she had the body of a 90-year-old nun, if the nun looked as young, attractive, and sexy as the dame standing in front of me. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 18> The situation had become topsy-turvy -- like Christmas in the summer, if you're in Australia. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 17> The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 16> As I watched through the slatted shades, her bosom bounce like her suspicious husband's first check. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 15> The killer was a misplaced comma in the jaunty, happy sentence that made up the party crowd. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 14> His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw -- and it had been out in the heat too long. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 13> Like any family, this house had its secrets, secrets it grimly refused to reveal, and would continue to refuse to reveal even if it could speak, which unlike a family, or at least most members of most families, it couldn't. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 12> The air of danger perversely made Nina's nipples harden, like that Magic Shell stuff on a bowl of ice cream. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 11> From his vantage point in the balcony, the would-be assassin looked down on the debating candidates like a webhead looking down on an AOL user. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 10> The sudden darkness made the Countess tense, like Bobby Jerome that time with the bicycle in 7th grade, remember? (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 8> Her parting words lingered heavily inside me like last night's Taco Bell. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 7> The bullet burned Gilmore's gut like the first piss after a long night in a Singapore brothel. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 6> A single drop of sweat slowly inched down Chad's brow -- a tiny, glistening Times Square New Year's Eve Ball of desperation. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 5> His .38 barked fire, like John Goodman's butt after a chili cookoff. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 4> Her blazing eyes dance like Astaire and Rogers, but since they were crossed, it was an ocular tango, and my eyes had to foxtrot just to maintain eye contact. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 3> She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 2> The neon sign reflected off his gun, like the moonlight reflects off my brother-in-law's bald head after a night of beer drinking and cow-tipping. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) 1> Unable to contain his rage, he burst like a pimple of emotion, the pus of his fury streaking the mirror of calm in the bathroom of his life. (from Top 20 Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors) # # Another pile of quotes from Cathy # added 1/30/2000 # 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like, night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 10. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 11. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool. 14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 20. I intend to live forever - so far so good. 21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. 22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. 24. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 25. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. 26. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. 27. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 28. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 29. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 30. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 31. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks 32. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 33. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 34. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. 35. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. 36. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 37. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 38. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 39. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 40. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 41. Two wrongs are only the beginning. 42. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. 43. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 44. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 45. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. 46. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! 47. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 48. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... 49. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. 50. A merry heart does good like a medicine. 1. The Cat in the Blender (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 3. Fox in Detox (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 4. Who Shat in the Hat? (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 6. The Flesh-Eating Thorax (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 8. Your Colon Can Moo--Can You? (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 12. Are You My Proctologist? (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 13. Yentl the Lentil (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 14. My Pocket Rocket Need A Socket (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 15. Aunts in My Pants (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff (Dr Suesses lesser known books) 17. The Grinch's Ten Inches (Dr Suesses lesser known books) #----------------------------------------------------------------------------- # # from the "You might be a yankee if..." list # 1)You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." (from "You might be a yankee if...") 2)You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY! (from "You might be a yankee if...") 3)You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 4)For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 5)You don't know what a moon pie is. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 6)You've never had an RC cola. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 7)You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 8)You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 9)You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 10)You have no idea what a polecat is. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 11)You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 12)You don't have bangs. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 13)You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 14)More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 15)You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 16)Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 17)You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 18)You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 19)You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 20)You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 21)The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 22)You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 23)The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 24)You call binoculars opera glasses. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 25)You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 26)You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 27)You don't know what applique is. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 28)You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al). (from "You might be a yankee if...") 29)You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 30)You've never been to a craft show. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 31)You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 32)You can do your laundry without quarters. (from "You might be a yankee if...") 33)None of your fur coats are homemade. (from "You might be a yankee if...") # "Back off man, I'm a scientist." -Peter, Ghostbusters # # Something Cat dug up: (added 3/14/2000) Sane ego te vocavi. Forsitan machinam dictum tuum est. or Forsitan machinatio dictionis tua fracta est (I did call. Perhaps your answering machine is broken.) (from Modern Latin) Hostes alienigeni me abduxerunt (I was kidnapped by aliens.) (from Modern Latin) Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione. (I am not interested in your dopey religious cult.) (from Modern Latin) Haec trutina errat {There is some thing wrong with this weighing machine) (from Modern Latin) Estne tibi forte magna feles fulva et planissima? (Do you, purchance, own a large, yellowish, very flat cat?) (from Modern Latin) Catapultam habeo. Aliquo te volo petere. (I have a catapult. I'd like to bounce something off you.) (from Modern Latin) "Si hoc adfixum in toga leve legere potes, liberaliter educatus." (If you can read this T-shirt you are very well educated). (from Modern Latin) Sane ego te vocavi. Forsitan machinam dictum tuum desit (My brain is constantly embarrasing me). (from Modern Latin) Antiqus temporibus, natis tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem. (In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.) (from Modern Latin) Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris. (If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.) (from Modern Latin) Cum tam iuvenis eram quam nunc es in salinis diu laborabam. (When I was your age I had a full-time job in a salt mine.) (from Modern Latin) Venne Viddi Vino... I came, I saw, I bought a box of wine (from Modern Latin) Venne Viddi Viscus...I came, I saw, I got stuck (from Modern Latin) Venne Viddi VW... I came, I saw, I drove away (from Modern Latin) Venne Viddi Vibe...I came, I saw, I brushed up on the Hip Hop Scene (from Modern Latin) # # Rules of the Air # Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. (from Rules of the Air) If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. (from Rules of the Air) Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. (from Rules of the Air) It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. (from Rules of the Air) The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. (from Rules of the Air) The propellor is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. (from Rules of the Air) When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with the sky. (from Rules of the Air) A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. (from Rules of the Air) Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. (from Rules of the Air) You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. (from Rules of the Air) The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. (from Rules of the Air) Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. (from Rules of the Air) Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. (from Rules of the Air) Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. (from Rules of the Air) Three are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. (from Rules of the Air) You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. (from Rules of the Air) Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. (from Rules of the Air) In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. (from Rules of the Air) Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. (from Rules of the Air) It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. (from Rules of the Air) Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. (from Rules of the Air) Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. (from Rules of the Air) The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago. (from Rules of the Air) There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots. (from Rules of the Air) # "The sooner children become inured to the ubiquity of capitalism, the happier they'll pretend to be." (neimon) # GC saw this on a t-shirt. baroque (adj.): when you are out of monet (On a T-shirt. Below a picture of a VW bus) : "only degas can make de van gogh." # # from a road rage article about boston # At rotaries, the letters on the YIELD sign are actually an acronym meaning "Your Imperative: Enter Looking Deranged." (Boston driving tips) Turn signals: Like eye contact, local drivers see these as something to be avoided. (Boston driving tips) It has been said many times that using turn signals in Boston is like giving secrets to the enemy. (Boston driving tips) Tailgating: Also known as protecting your turf. (Boston driving tips) # # cecil adams # I'm learning to speak Eskimo. I'm working on perfecting how to say "Look at all this F@#king snow!" So for I've got "kaniktshaq moritlkatsio atsuniartoq" or "Observe the snow. It fornicates." (Cecil Adams) # # not sure where rosa got this one... Explaining due process to George W Bush is like explaining a sundial to a bat. (www.salon.com) # # sent to me from Pat # 1. Always avoid alliteration. (from Writing Tips) 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. (from Writing Tips) 3. The adverb always follows the verb. (from Writing Tips) 4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. (from Writing Tips) 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. (from Writing Tips) 6. Remember to never split an infinitive. (from Writing Tips) 7. Contractions aren't necessary. (from Writing Tips) 8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. (from Writing Tips) 9. One should never generalize. (from Writing Tips) 10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." (from Writing Tips) 11. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. (from Writing Tips) 12. Be more or less specific. (from Writing Tips) 13. One-word sentences? Eliminate. (from Writing Tips) 14. The passive voice is to be avoided. (from Writing Tips) 15. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. (from Writing Tips) 16. Who needs rhetorical questions? (from Writing Tips) 17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. (from Writing Tips) 18. Don't never use a double negation. (from Writing Tips) 19. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. (from Writing Tips) 20. A writer must not shift your point of view. (from Writing Tips) 21. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) (from Writing Tips) 22. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!! (from Writing Tips) 23. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. (from Writing Tips) 24. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. (from Writing Tips) 25. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives. (from Writing Tips) # "Do not touch me with any appendage you aren't willing to lose." (Charles, on IRC) # # a list cathy sent me. # Sign in a Veterinarian's Office: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten" Parking Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR: "Parking for customers Only, all others will be neutered." Sign in a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" Sign at a plumbers: "We repair what your husband fixed." Sign at a plumbers: "Don't sleep with a drip." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." Sign at a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." Sign on the door of a plastic surgeons office: "We can help pick your nose." Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." Sign at a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." Sign on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." Sign in a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." Sign on Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push." Sign ot an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place." Sign on a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." Sign in a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." Sign on a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive." Sign outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming." Sign inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." Sign in the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." Sign in a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional" # # from http://ilovebacon.bla-bla.com/vehicles/081700b.shtml # If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory, but some people don't have film. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. # Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. # A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Horn broken, watch for finger. All men are idiots ... I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. My kid had sex with your honor student. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole. I'm just driving this way to piss you off. Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Keep honking, I'm reloading. Hang up and drive. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Lord save me from your followers. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to GET you! If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He/She who laughs last thinks slowest Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off Tattoos... Not Just For Sluts And Sailors Anymore "Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit" "My wife was inmate of the month at county jail!" # He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can't have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak # # Norm lines - also from ilovebacon.com # "What's shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks & a couple of chins." "What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer." "What'd you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer." "What'll you have, Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky." "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper." "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending." "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'" "Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour." "Women..... Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts." "What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool." "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." "What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer." "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "A little early, isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions." "Hey Norm, how's life in the fast lane?" "Don't know, can't find the on-ramp." "Can I draw you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "No, Woody, I know what one looks like, just pour me one." "Hey Mr. Peterson. How are things?" "Never been better, Woody.... But just once I wish they'd get better." # # seen on a post to slashdot # "Mary had a crypto key, she kept it in escrow, and everything that Mary said, the Feds were sure to know." (Sam Simpson) # # Good stuff from Pinky and the Brain. Lifted from # various websites. # Gee, Brain, what are you doing over there? Pondering your afterlife, Pinky. It must be inordinately taxing to be such a boob. You have no idea. Some mice have more evolving to do than others. (Brain) Pinky, once I take over the world, remind me to publicly snub you. Brilliant, Pinky! Oh, no, wait. What if we want to use a plan that works? Remember, I'm not just the president of the Small Club for Men, I'm also a mouse planning world domination. (Brain) And I am the Iconoclast, an unconventional eccentric who marches to a different drummer... [whacked on head] but you may call me Noodle Noggin. (Brain) It proved that radio was a powerful tool. And now, Pinky, the advance of technology has brought us an even more powerful tool. Do you know what that is? Ummm... the rubber band? The Workings of your mind are a mystery to me Pinky. Promise me something, Pinky. Never breed. I'll try. Here we are, Pinky--at the dawn of time! Narf, Brain. Wake me at the noon of time. Now, Pinky, if by any chance you are captured during this mission, remember you are Gunther Heindriksen from Appenzell. You moved to Grindelwald to drive the cog train to Murren. Can you repeat that? Mmmm, no, Brain, don't think I can. Egad! You astound me, Brain! That's a simple task, Pinky. # # quote from jdev@conference.jabber.org # "Being a VB programmer is like being employed as the guy who dresses up as Ronald McDonald. Sure you're getting paid, but is it REALLY a job?" (someone on jdev) # # "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." (Douglas Adams) # # from "The Viking book of Aphorisms" # From such crooked wood as that which man is made of, nothing straight can be fashioned. (Kant) Natural man has only two primal passions: to get and to beget (Osler) It is chiefly through the instinct to kill that man achieves intimacy with the life of nature (Clark) Man's chief difference from the brutes lies in the exuberant excess of this subjective propensities. Prune his extravagence, sober him, and you undo him. (William James) Man is a make-believe animal -- he is never so truly himself as when he is acting a part. (Hazlitt) Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a _mask_ and he will tell the truth. (Wilde) I believe the best definition of man is the ungrateful biped. (Dostoevski) Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck by the difference between what thing s are and what they might have been. (Hazlitt) The human face is really like one of those Oriental gods; a whoel group of faces juxtaposed on different planes; it is impossible to see them all simultaneously. (Proust) The soul is the wife of the body. They do not have the same kind of pleasure or, at least, they seldom enjoy it at the same time. (Valery) The body has its end which it does not know; the mind its means of which it is unaware. (Valery) It is usual enough with delicate beings to have a fine intelligence and a poor brain. (Joubert) The mind cannot long act the role of the heart. (La Rochefoucauld) Every luxry must be paid for, and everything is a luxury, starting with being in the world. (Pavese) To live is like t olove -- all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct is for it. (Samuel Butler) Is life worth living? This is a question for an embryo, not for a man. (Samuel Butler) Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament (Santayana) Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have learned to walk. (Connolly) Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. (Samuel Butler) If one considered life as a simple loan, one would perhaps be less exacting. (Delacroix) Love for life is still possible, only one loves differently: it is like love for a woman whom one does not trust. (Nietzsche) The three most important things a man has are, briefly, his private parts, his money, and his religious opinions. (Samuel Butler) The will is the strong blind man who carries on his shoulders the lame man who can see. (Schopenhauer) The human being is a blind man who dreams that he can see. (Hebbel) The iron chain and the silken cord are both equally bonds. (Schiller) The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do, than in what we are free not to do. (Hoffer) People hardly ever make use of the freedom they have, for example, freedom of thought; instead they demand freedom of speech as a compensation. (Kierkegaard) A man's worst difficulties begin when he is able to do as he likes. (T.H. Huxley) There is no freedom for the weak. (Meredith) No man is weak from choice. (Vauvenargues) A man is always as good as the good which appears in his face, but he need not be as evil as the evil which appears in it, because evil does not always realize itself imediately; indeed, sometimes it never realizes itself at all. (Picard) "Know thyself"? If I knew myself, I'd run away. (Goethe) We feel in one world, we think and name in another. Between the two we can set up a system of references, but we cannot fill the gap. (Proust) Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble. (Dr. Johnson) Everyone is perfectly wiling to learn from unpleasant experience -- if only the damage of the first lesson could be repaired. (Lichtenberg) In sleep, body and soul are chemically bound. The soul is dividded into eual parts throughout the body; the personality is neutralized. (Novalis) We are near waking when we dream we are dreaming (Novalis) I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams. (Shakespeare) Among all human constructions the only ones that avoid the dissolving hands of time are castles in the air. (De Roberto) # # random # You finish your toast, I'll go untie the penguin. (Kcat) # # from an interview with Berkley Breathed: I'd be a Libertarian, if they weren't all a bunch of tax-dodging professional whiners. (B. Breathed) The middle-age temptation to get serious about everything is Satan's handiwork. My child may be my aging soul's salvation at the altar of silliness. That, by the way, is why they call us writers. (B. Breathed) # # rob windsor's list # Momentum investing -- the fine art of buying high and selling low. (Modern Financial Terms) Value investing -- the art of buying low and selling lower. (Modern Financial Terms) Broker - poorer that you were in 1999. (Modern Financial Terms) P/E ratio -- the percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing. (Modern Financial Terms) Standard & Poor - your life in a nutshell. (Modern Financial Terms) Stock analyst -- idiot who just downgraded your stock. (Modern Financial Terms) Bull market -- a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. (Modern Financial Terms) Bear market -- a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex. (Modern Financial Terms) Stock split -- when your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves. (Modern Financial Terms) Financial planner -- a guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes. (Modern Financial Terms) Market correction -- the day after you buy stocks. (Modern Financial Terms) Cash flow -- the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet (Modern Financial Terms) Call option -- something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail. (Modern Financial Terms) Cisco - side kick of Poncho. (Modern Financial Terms) Yahoo - what you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $340 per share. (Modern Financial Terms) Windows 2000 - what you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $340 per share. (Modern Financial Terms) Institutional investor -- past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house. (Modern Financial Terms) Put option -- your broker advises that your put option expired and you blew $50,000. However you still have the option of jumping off the building or a bridge. (Modern Financial Terms) # # from a thread on work ethics in the current stressed times... # "I have principles. I buy them with the money left over after i feed my kids." (A friend of regis on elbows) # # from irc # "I picked up a Magic 8-ball the other day and it said 'Outlook not so good.' I said 'Sure, but Microsoft still ships it.'" # # sillystuff # Here's an easy game to play. // Here's an easy thing to say. // If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, // And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, // And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, // Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! # # something cat got off polyfamilies - 5/23/2002 # Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone. (Modern Zen) The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. (Modern Zen) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. (Modern Zen) Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. (Modern Zen) Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. (Modern Zen) No one is listening until you fart. (Modern Zen) Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. (Modern Zen) Never test the depth of the water with both feet. (Modern Zen) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. (Modern Zen) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. (Modern Zen) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. (Modern Zen) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. (Modern Zen) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. (Modern Zen) If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. (Modern Zen) Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. (Modern Zen) Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. (Modern Zen) Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. (Modern Zen) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. (Modern Zen) A closed mouth gathers no foot. (Modern Zen) Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (Modern Zen) There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. (Modern Zen) Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. (Modern Zen) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. (Modern Zen) Never miss a good chance to shut up. (Modern Zen) We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse. (Modern Zen) # # kjc on void # God was my copilot, but we crashed in the mountains, and I had to eat him. (Bumper Sticker of the Day) # # misc Twainisms # "So I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it, but I couldn't find honest employment." (Mark Twain) "The only way for a newspaperman to look at a politician is down." (Mark Twain) "For every problem there is always a solution that is simple, obvious, and wrong." (Mark Twain) "The finest Congress money can buy." (Mark Twain) "Whenever I feel the urge to exercise I lie down until it goes away." (Mark Twain) "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics." (When Twain mentioned this pithy saying in his autobiography, he credited it to Benjamin Disraeli.) "To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." (Mark Twain) "Wagner's music is better than it sounds." (Twain was fond of using this quote, but he appropriately credited it to Edgar Wilson Nye, a fellow humorist.) "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." (Mark Twain) # # from post by Doug: # "He saw the oncoming headlights of superior technological knowlege, and unflinchingly let the proverbial bumpers of basic ppp routing protocols run him over like so much bambi-burger." (Doug Ayen, on placing a support call) # # sharon fenick on IRC # They're questioning the suspects at an undisclosed location - isn't that where Dick Cheney lives? (Sharon on IRC one day) # # slashdot... # Competing with MSFT is like "getting into an arse-kicking contest with a monster that has 16 legs and no arse." (Someone on slashdot.org) # # kelly posted this to void # Are we literalists or merely pedantic? (Regis Donovan, 10 December 2002) # # rob's comment. # It IS kinda like going into a restaurant and you hate the decore and you smell something bad, but my, aren't these nice chairs... (Rob Oakley, referring to my forced conversion to using Outlook) # lin, from thinkgeek There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.-- thinkgeek # # taken from http://www.freethink.shaw.ca/ "Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday." (Woody Allen) "It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." (Woody Allen) "More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly." (Woody Allen) "How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" (Woody Allen) "If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever." (Woody Allen) "I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear." (Woody Allen) "The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife -- a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held." ["The Early Essays," Without Feathers (1976)] (Woody Allen) "I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles." [Rolling Stone magazine, 1987] (Woody Allen) "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank." (Woody Allen) "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" (Woody Allen) "What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." (Woody Allen) "What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?" (Woody Allen) "To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." (Woody Allen) "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon." (Woody Allen) "As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on." (Woody Allen) # "Science is in its essence nothing but the systematic pursuit of knowledge, and knowledge, whatever ill-uses bad men make of it, is in its essence good. To lose faith in knowledge is to lose faith in the best of man's capacities; and therefore I repeat unhesitatingly that the unyielding rationalist has a better faith and a more unbending optimism than any of the timid seekers after the childish comforts of a less adult age." (Bertrand Russell) "Theres a bible on that shelf there. But I keep it next to Voltaire - poison and antidote." (Bertrand Russell) "Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so."(Bertrand Russel) "The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."(Bertrand Russel) "Religion is based, I think, primarily and mainly upon fear. It is partly the terror of the unknown, and partly the wish to feel that you have a kind of elder brother who will stand by you in all your troubles and disputes. Fear is the basis of the whole thing - fear of the mysterious, fear of defeat, fear of death. Fear is the parent of cruelty, and therefore it is no wonder if cruelty and religion have gone hand-in-hand" (Bertrand Russell) "I wish to propose for the reader's favourable consideration a doctrine which may, I fear, appear wildly paradoxical and subversive. The doctrine in question is this: that it is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatever for supposing it true." (Bertrand Russell) # "The very concept of sin comes from the bible. Christianity offers to solve a problem of its own making! Would you be thankful to a person who cut you with a knife in order to sell you a bandage?" (Dan Barker) "How happy can you be when you think every action and thought is being monitored by a judgmental ghost?" (Dan Barker) "You can cite a hundred references to show that the biblical God is a bloodthirsty tyrant, but if they can dig up two or three verses that say "God is love," they will claim that *you* are taking things out of context!" (Dan Barker) "Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being." "I have something to say to the religionist who feels atheists never say anything positive: You are an intelligent human being. Your life is valuable for its own sake. You are not second-class in the universe, deriving meaning and purpose from some other mind. You are not inherently evil--you are inherently human, possessing the positive rational potential to help make this a world of morality, peace and joy. Trust yourself." (Dan Barker) "It's not easy to change world views. Faith has its own momentum and belief is comfortable. To restructure reality is traumatic and scary. That is why many intelligent people continue to believe: unbelief is an unknown." (Dan Barker) "Not thinking critically, I assumed that the "successful" prayers were proof that God answers prayer while the failures were proof that there was something wrong with me." (Dan Barker) "To think that the ruler of the universe will run to my assistance and bend the laws of nature for me is the height of arrogance." (Dan Barker) "Truth does not demand belief. Scientists do not join hands every Sunday, singing, "Yes, gravity is real! I will have faith! I will be strong! I believe in my heart that what goes up, up, up must come down, down, down. Amen!" If they did, we would think they were pretty insecure about it." (Dan Barker) "You keep accusing me of blasphemy all of the time, but I cannot be convicted of a victimless crime." (Dan Barker) "You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?" (Dan Barker) "Faith is a cop-out. It is intellectual bankruptcy. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can't be taken on its own merits." (Dan Barker) "The next time believers tell you that 'separation of church and state' does not appear in our founding document, tell them to stop using the word 'trinity.' The word 'trinity' appears nowhere in the bible. Neither does Rapture, or Second Coming, or Original Sin. If they are still unfazed (or unphrased), by this, then add Omniscience, Omnipresence, Supernatural, Transcendence, Afterlife, Deity, Divinity, Theology, Monotheism, Missionary, Immaculate Conception, Christmas, Christianity, Evangelical, Fundamentalist, Methodist, Catholic, Pope, Cardinal, Catechism, Purgatory, Penance, Transubstantiation, Excommunication, Dogma, Chastity, Unpardonable Sin, Infallibility, Inerrancy, Incarnation, Epiphany, Sermon, Eucharist, the Lord's Prayer, Good Friday, Doubting Thomas, Advent, Sunday School, Dead Sea, Golden Rule, Moral, Morality, Ethics, Patriotism, Education, Atheism, Apostasy, Conservative (Liberal is in), Capital Punishment, Monogamy, Abortion, Pornography, Homosexual, Lesbian, Fairness, Logic, Republic, Democracy, Capitalism, Funeral, Decalogue, or Bible." (Dan Barker) # "If God made us in His image, we have certainly returned the compliment" (Voltaire) "I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it." (Voltaire) "Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense." (Voltaire) "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." (Voltaire) "Religion began when the first scoundrel met the first fool." (Voltaire) "Clergyman: A generic title under which is designated any Christian who consecrates himself to the service of God, and feels himself called upon to live without working at the expense of the rascals who work to live." (Voltaire) "With regard to the Christians, assuredly their greatest and most venerable saints were those whose brains sustained the severest shock." (Voltaire) "Evil came into the world through the sin of Adam. If that idiot had not sinned, we should not have been afflicted with the smallpox, nor the itch, nor theology, nor the faith which alone can save us." (Voltaire) # "In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP Keynote Address "Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep insights can be winnowed from deep nonsense." (Carl Sagan) "The universe is not required to be in perfect harmony with human ambition." (Carl Sagan) "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." -- Carl Sagan "Contact" One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we've been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We're no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It is simply too painful to acknowledge -- even to ourselves -- that we've been so credulous. - Carl Sagan, The Fine Art of Baloney Detection The idea that God is an oversized white male with a flowing beard who sits in the sky and tallies the fall of every sparrow is ludicrous. But if by God one means the set of physical laws that govern the universe, then clearly there is such a God. This God is emotionally unsatisfying... it does not make much sense to pray to the law of gravity. (Carl Sagan) You can't convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not based on evidence, it's based on a deep seated need to believe. (Carl Sagan) I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But much as I want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is more than wishful thinking. The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there's little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides. - Carl Sagan, 1996 in his article 'In the Valley of the Shadow ' Parade Magazine Life is but a momentary glimpse of the wonder of this astonishing universe, and it is sad to see so many dreaming it away on spiritual fantasy. (Carl Sagan) If some good evidence for life after death were announced, I'd be eager to examine it; but it would have to be real scientific data, not mere anecdote. As with the face on Mars and alien abductions, better the hard truth, I say, than the comforting fantasy. - Carl Sagan, 'The Demon-Haunted World' In Italy, the Inquisition was condemning people to death until the end of the eighteenth century, and inquisitional torture was not abolished in the Catholic Church until 1816. The last bastion of support for the reality of witchcraft and the necessity of punishment has been the Christian churches. - Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World At the extremes it is difficult to distinguish pseudoscience from rigid, doctrinaire religion. - Carl Sagan, 'The Demon-Haunted World' Think of how many religions attempt to validate themselves with prophecy. Think of how many people rely on these prophecies, however vague, however unfulfilled, to support or prop up their beliefs. Yet has there ever been a religion with the prophetic accuracy and reliability of science? - Carl Sagan, 'The Demon-Haunted World' # "It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God--but to create him." (Arthur C. Clarke) "I have encountered a few 'creationists' and because they were usually nice, intelligent people, I have been unable to decide whether they were really mad, or only pretending to be mad. If I was a religious person, I would consider creationism nothing less than blasphemy. Do its adherents imagine that God is a cosmic hoaxer who has created that whole vast fossil record for the sole purpose of misleading mankind?" (Arthur C. Clarke) "The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion." (Arthur C. Clarke) "My objection to organized religion is the premature conclusion to ultimate truth that it represents... [Arthur C. Clarke, in _Playboy_ interview with Ken Kelly, 1986, from Arthur C. Clarke: The Authorized Biography by Neil McAleer, Contemporary Books, 1992] "You will find men like him in all of the world's religions. They know that we represent reason and science, and, however confident they may be in their beliefs, they fear that we will overthrow their gods. Not necessarily through any deliberate act, but in a subtler fashion. Science can destroy a religion by ignoring it as well as by disproving its tenets. No one ever demonstrated, so far as I am aware, the nonexistence of Zeus or Thor, but they have few followers now. - Arthur C. Clarke, Childhood's End "I would defend the liberty of consenting adult creationists to practice whatever intellectual perversions they like in the privacy of their own homes; but it is also necessary to protect the young and innocent." (Arthur C. Clarke) "A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets." (Arthur C. Clarke) "The statement that God created man in his own image is ticking like a time bomb in the foundations of Christianity." (Arthur C. Clarke) # "New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds." (James Randi) "No amount of beliefe makes something a fact." (James Randi) "I am in a very peculiar business: I travel all over the world telling people what they should already know." - speaking at the 25th Annual Atheists Convention in New Jersey (James Randi) "To recognize that nature has neither a preference for our species nor a bias against it takes only a little courage." (James Randi) "Religion is based upon blind faith supported by no evidence. Science is based upon confidence that results from evidence - and that confidence can be modified or reversed by further observations and experimentation. ...Religion already has it all decided. It is dogma, unchangeable, and unaffected by reality and whatever facts we come upon in the real world." (James Randi) # "A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death." (Albert Einstein) "Since our inner experiences consist of reproductions, and combinations of sensory impressions, the concept of a soul without a body seems to me to be empty and devoid of meaning." (Albert Einstein) "I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own -- a God, in short, who is but a reflection of human frailty. Neither can I believe that the individual survives the death of his body, although feeble souls harbor such thoughts through fear or ridiculous egotisms." - Albert Einstein, obituary in New York Times, 19 April 1955 "If this being is omnipotent, then every occurrence, including every human action, every human thought, and every human feeling and aspiration is also His work; how is it possible to think of holding men responsible for their deeds and thoughts before such an almighty Being? In giving out punishment and rewards He would to a certain extent be passing judgment on Himself. How can this be combined with the goodness and righteousness ascribed to Him?" - Albert Einstein, Out of My Later Years (New York: Philosophical Library, 1950) I am convinced that some political and social activities and practices of the Catholic organizations are detrimental and even dangerous for the community as a whole, here and everywhere. I mention here only the fight against birth control at a time when overpopulation in various countries has become a serious threat to the health of people and a grave obstacle to any attempt to organize peace on this planet." - Albert Einstein, letter, 1954 # "Kill a man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conquerer. Kill everyone, and you are a god." - Jean Rostand, French biologist and writer "Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis." - Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God. "I could prove God statistically." -George Gallup "If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." -Thomas Szasz "I believe in God, only I spell it Nature." -Frank Lloyd Wright "It is a mistake to suppose that God is only, or even chiefly, concerned with religion." - Archbishop William Temple, 1955 "God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time." -- Gaiman and Pratchett 'Good Omens' "God is the immemorial refuge of the incompetent, the helpless, the miserable. They find not only sanctuary in His arms, but also a kind of superiority, soothing to their macerated egos; He will set them above their betters." -H.L. Mencken "Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more than half the bible is filled, it would seem more consistent that we called it the word of a demon than the Word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind." - Thomas Paine 'The Age of Reason' "There's no reason to bring religion into it. I think we ought to have as great a regard for religion as we can, so as to keep it out of as many things as possible." - Sean O'Casey, 'The Plough and The Stars' "I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in human beings." - Pearl Buck, US novelist "You are never dedicated to something you have complete confidence in. No one is fanatically shouting that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. They know it is going to rise tomorrow. When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kind of dogmas or goals, its always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt." - Robert T. Pirsig, US writer, 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance' "Christianity accepted as given a metaphysical system derived from several already existing and mutually incompatible systems." - Aldous Huxley, British novelsit "Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest." - Denis Diderot "Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish." - Timothy Jones "Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable." - H. L. Mencken "Attempting to debate with a person who has abandoned reason is like giving medicine to the dead." - Thomas Paine "Theology...is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there." - Robert Heinlein "Don't talk to me of miracles that happened 2000 years ago. Don't tell me of the greatness of your god. Show your god to others, as he lives through you." - Gandhi "And the day will come, when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as His Father, in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva, in the brain of Jupiter." -Thomas Jefferson "Anyone who engages in the practice of psychotherapy confronts every day the devastation wrought by the teachings of religion." - Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D., Psychologist. author of The Psychology of Self-esteem "I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God." - Thomas Edison "All Bibles are man-made." - Thomas Edison "All religions die of one disease, that of being found out." - F.N. Morley "To explain the unknown by the known is a logical procedure; to explain the known by the unknown is a form of theological lunacy." - David Brooks (The Necessity of Atheism) "Jesus' last words on the cross, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" hardly seem like the words of a man who planned it that way. It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure there is something wrong here." - Rev Donald Morgan "I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen Roberts "We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes." - Gene Roddenberry "Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not the ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat." - Julian Huxley, British biologist "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same god who has endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." - Galileo Galilei "To assert that the earth revolves around the sun is as erroneous as to claim that Jesus was not born of a virgin." - Cardinal Bellarmine, 1615, during the trial of Galileo "Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd." - Voltaire "Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense." - Chapman Cohen "The good, say the mystics of spirit, is God, a being whose only definition is that he is beyond man's power to conceive- a definition that invalidates man's consciousness and nullifies his concepts of existence...Man's mind, say the mystics of spirit, must be subordinated to the will of God... Man's standard of value, say the mystics of spirit, is the pleasure of God, whose standards are beyond man's power of comprehension and must be accepted on faith....The purpose of man's life...is to become an abject zombie who serves a purpose he does not know, for reasons he is not to question." - Ayn Rand, "For the New Intellectual" "Christians say that--without exception--their God answers all of their prayers; it's just that He sometimes says "yes" and other times "no," "maybe," or "wait." Of course the same could be said of the rain-god,"Bob." - Rev. Donald Morgan "A major function of fundamentalist religion is to bolster deeply insecure and fearful people. This is done by justifying a way of life with all of its defining prejudices. It thereby provides an appropriate and legitimate outlet for one's anger. The authority of an inerrant Bible that can be readily quoted to buttress this point of view becomes an essential ingredient to such a life. When that Bible is challenged, or relativized, the resulting anger proves the point categorically." - Bishop John Shelby Spong, Rescuing the Bible From Fundamentalism, (San Fransisco: Harper Collins, 1991) "There are actually two ways to prove the non-existence of something. One way is to prove that it cannot exist because it leads to contradictions (e.g., square circles, married bachelors, etc.). The other way is, in the words of Keith Parsons, "by carefully looking and seeing." This is how we can know that such things as the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, the Abomonable Snowman, etc. do not exist." -Jeffery Jay Lowder, "Is a Proof of the Non-Existence of a God Even Possible?" "Why is it that almost every human culture yet discovered has found it necessary to believe in an afterlife of some sort, but not a 'before-life?' Why are there so many versions of Heaven, Paradise and The Great Beyond, but almost none about The Great Before ..." - Judith Hayes, "Where Were You Before You Were You?" "The third major characteristic of God -- "infinitude" -- is the catchall, the universal modifier of Christian theology. God is not merely a being; he is infinite being. God is not merely good; he is infinite goodness. God is not merely wise; he is infinite wisdom. And so on down the list. God is exaggeration run amuck" - George Smith, Atheism: The Case Against God (Buffalo, NY: Prometheus, 1989) "There is virtually nothing which the Christian will accept as evidence of God's evil. If disasters that are admittedly 'unmerited, pointless, and incapable of being morally rationalized' [quoting Hick] are compatible with the 'goodness' of God, what could possibly qualify as contrary evidence? The 'goodness' of God, it seems, is compatible with any state of affairs. While we evaluate a man with reference to his actions, we are not similarly permitted to judge God. God is immune from the judgment of evil as a matter of principle." George Smith, Atheism: The Case Against God (Buffalo, NY: Prometheus, 1989) "Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered." - Victor J. Stenger "The Boy Scouts of America maintain that no member can grow into the best kind of citizen without recognizing his obligation to God." [Boy Scouts of America, statement on membership form] "So far as the religion of the day is concerned, it is a damned fake. Religion is all bunk." - Thomas Edison "I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God." - Thomas Alva Edison, "Columbian Magazine" "I do not believe that any type of religion should ever be introduced into the public schools of the United States." - Thomas Edison "In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual." - Galileo Galilei "If there is a God, atheism must strike Him as less of an insult than religion."- Edmond and Jules de Goncourt "Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science, as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules." - Huxley Carl Popper has made the point that although people have done terrible things using the fruits of science, no one has ever gone to war on behalf of a scientific principle, or exterminated whole populations because they disagreed on a point of science. "Science is expanding, and with it our vision of the universe. Although this new and constantly changing view may not always give us comfort, it does have the virtue of truth according to our most effective resources for acquiring knowledge. No philosophy, moral outlook, or religion can be inconsistent with the findings of science and hope to endure among educated people." - Heinz R. Pagels "I certainly can't see any sensible position to assume aside from that of complete scepticism tempered by a leaning toward that which existing evidence makes most probable. All I say is that I think it is damned unlikely that anything like a central cosmic will, a spirit world, or an eternal survival of personality, exist. They are the most preposterous and unjustified of all the guesses which can be made about the universe, and I am not enough of a hair-splitter to pretend that I don't regard them as arrant and negligible moonshine. In theory I am an agnostic, but pending the appearance of rational evidence I must be classed, practically and provisionally, as an atheist. The chances of theism's truth being to my mind so microscopically small, I would be a pedant and a hypocrite to call myself anything else." -- fantasy author Howard Phillip Lovecraft "Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense." - Chapman Cohen "If death is the end of everything, then living is everything." - Robert D. Richardson "The Bible is a wonderful source of inspiration for those who don't understand it." - George Santayana # # wonka # We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. (Arthur O'Shaughnessy, and also Willy Wonka) If the good lord had meant for us to walk, he wouldn't have invented rollerskates. (Willy Wonka) # # sharon on #homeport # So, a dyslexic walks into a bra... # # battlefield earth review quotes # "Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way." -- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES "Battlefield Earth is just a lumbering, poorly photographed piece of derivative sci-fi drivel, full of grunting extras scampering around in animal pelts and more dank, trash-strewn sets than I ever care to see again." -- Owen Gleiberman, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY "As it gets more loudly ludicrous, with destruction coming in vast waves, you don't think 'piece of cake' but 'piece of (oops).'" -- David Elliott, SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "The acting is horrid, enough so that one hopes that John Travolta gets indigestion from all the scenery that he chews." -- Curtis Edmonds, TXREVIEWS.COM (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "The acting is horrid, enough so that one hopes that John Travolta gets indigestion from all the scenery that he chews." -- Curtis Edmonds, TXREVIEWS.COM (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "Battlefield Earth bathes in a pool of utter ridiculousness and cheesy visual styles, then stands up expecting everyone to admire it" -- David Keyes, DAVID KEYES' CINEMA 2000 "Battlefield Earth is as relentlessly grim as it is artless, and Elia Cmiral's bombastic score also makes it painful to listen to." -- Peter Howell, TORONTO STAR "Younger, less discriminating viewers (5-year-old boys) will eat it up." -- Cody Clark, MR. SHOWBIZ (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "Battlefield Earth should be shown only at maximum-security prisons when a prisoner is tossed in solitary for bad behavior." -- Max Messier, FILMCRITIC.COM "Even if you were to classify it as a guilty pleasure, it would be the kind of sullying guilt that makes people leap from heights." -- Shawn Levy, OREGONIAN (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "And after about 20 minutes of this amateurish picture, extinction doesn't seem like such a bad idea." -- Elvis Mitchell, NEW YORK TIMES (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "It is wildly overacted, ear-splittingly overscored, photographed through coloured handkerchiefs with a camera in serious need of a spirit level" -- Harvey O'Brien, HARVEY'S MOVIE REVIEW (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "Legions of science-fiction fans will feel compelled to approach the ticket booth and scream for a refund." -- Dan Lybarger, LYBARGER LINKS (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "The sets are laughably cheap, and the aliens look like geeks from a Star Trek convention who couldn't afford to buy the "good" Klingon costumes" -- Brian Mckay, EFILMCRITIC.COM (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "In the post-apocalyptic adventure genre, Battlefield Earth makes Waterworld look like a masterpiece." -- Robin Rauzi, LOS ANGELES TIMES "If filmmaking has ever been less thrilling and more disengaging, I'd like to see it." -- Wesley Morris, SAN FRANCISCO EXAMINER (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "So depressing that you can't even relish just how awful it really is." -- Chuck Rudolph, MATINEE MAGAZINE (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "This isn't a movie, it's a crime against celluloid. You don't so much watch it as stare at it in gape-jawed disbelief." -- Rob Vaux, FLIPSIDE MOVIE EMPORIUM (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "Battlefield Earth is a shrill, hollow and unintelligible movie with no redeeming value whatsoever." -- Glenn Whipp, LOS ANGELES DAILY NEWS "It's as if Travolta wanted to destroy his career again just to see if he could stage another comeback." -- Jeffrey Westhoff, NORTHWEST HERALD (CRYSTAL LAKE, IL) (reviewing Battlefield Earth) "Clearly, at no point did anyone say, "Man, this is a steaming pile of hangover dung - why don't we fix it?"" -- Karina Montgomery, CINERINA (reviewing Battlefield Earth) I consider my relationship with Perl a bit like the relationship between Tevye and his wife in Fiddler on te Roof (Tim Pierce) # # from a posting that claudia did on elbows # Perhaps you haven't quite <\overstatement> noticed, but you're writing USENET <\dinosaur> articles and not publishing on the World Wide Web, so please hold the HTML for a more appropriate medium. <\flame> (Geoff Langdale) # # from leah, courtesy of ben 11/23/03 # 1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out. (from '25 things you should know by now') 2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. (from '25 things you should know by now') 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. (from '25 things you should know by now') 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. (from '25 things you should know by now') 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. (from '25 things you should know by now') 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. (from '25 things you should know by now') 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. (from '25 things you should know by now') 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. (from '25 things you should know by now') 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. (from '25 things you should know by now') 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. (from '25 things you should know by now') 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. (from '25 things you should know by now') 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. (from '25 things you should know by now') 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (from '25 things you should know by now') 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. (from '25 things you should know by now') 15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. (from '25 things you should know by now') 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. (from '25 things you should know by now') 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. (from '25 things you should know by now') 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. (from '25 things you should know by now') 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. (from '25 things you should know by now') 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. (from '25 things you should know by now') 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. (from '25 things you should know by now') 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. (from '25 things you should know by now') 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. (from '25 things you should know by now') 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. (from '25 things you should know by now') 25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look big. (from '25 things you should know by now') # # from lkw's LJ from a washington post survey # 11/29/03 # 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. (Washington Post survey) 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. (Washington Post survey) 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. (Washington Post survey) 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. (Washington Post survey) 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. (Washington Post survey) 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown. (Washington Post survey) 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. (Washington Post survey) 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash. (Washington Post survey) 9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. (Washington Post survey) 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. (Washington Post survey) 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. (Washington Post survey) 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. (Washington Post survey) 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. (Washington Post survey) 14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. (Washington Post survey) 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. (Washington Post survey) 16. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist. (Washington Post survey) # # found a nice quotes page 2/17/04 # "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. " (Albert Einstein ) "The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'." (Unknown) Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. (Albert Einstein) Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork! bork! bork! (The Swedish Chef) # # from www.syadminco.com # I NEVER rely on my own memory, as I have determined that is not only faulty, but actively working against me. (www.sysadminco.com) Money talks, everything else can just shut up. (www.sysadminco.com) Give me 4 255-sided die and I'll get you some IPs (www.sysadminco.com) Did making a joke in SQL just make me the biggest geek? (www.sysadminco.com) How many backburners do you have? (www.sysadminco.com) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. (www.sysadminco.com) I'll punch you in the mind. (www.sysadminco.com) I'm not an authoritative DNS server, but I play one on this network. (www.sysadminco.com) DNS is not psychic! (www.sysadminco.com) # # from a livejournal poll # One bat short of a belfry. He isn't exactly signalling all his lane changes! He's several sheep short of a station One burger shy of a happy meal. He's playing checkers on the cosmic chessboard. he's a few french fries short of a Happy Meal. His cheese slid off his cracker. A few beers shy of a six pack He's not only on the short bus, fucker drives it. A few tacos short of a combination plate The lights're on, but nobody's home. He's misplaced his rootebega behind the taxi stand again One fry short of a happy meal His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top. He's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Wheel's spinning, but the gerbil's dead. He's a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. She's a few lines short of compilable code! She's one of those liberal arts graduates One cylinder short of a V8 He's heading to the Waldorf Hysteria. A few sheep short of an orgy. Has less than a full box of crayons He's nutty as a fruitcake Her elevator doesn't stop on all the floors. He's a few cents short of a dollar! He shaves the cosmic wombat with the wrong brand of lemon scented toothpaste. His pint's gone flat. His mind is so open that everything's falling out His tardis is in the ditch It's like my eye! It hurts so bad! You could fit his sanity inside a Barbie doll's navel and still have room for two raisins and Justice Scalia's ethics. # # The direct use of force is so poor a solution to the problems of limited resources that it is commonly employed only by small children and great nations. (David Friedman) Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. # # People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet. The only two things we do with greater frequency in old age are urinating and attend funerals. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead # # added from http://packetstorm.troop218.org/unix-humor/bill.gates.quotes.html # on 5/19/2005 # "I don't have any evidence of that... Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There's alot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning." -- Bill Gates, when asked about religion and God's existence in "Time" magazine "Hey, Steve, just because you broke into Xerox's store before I did and took the TV doesn't mean I can't go in later and steal the stereo." -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, 3/14/89--as quoted in MacWEEK, 1/9/90 p. 23 "You shouldn't get overly paranoid thinking that Microsoft's a broad competitor and it's not possible to work with us." -- Bill Gates at PUBLISHERS' CONVENTION April 1997 "Anybody who thinks a little 9,000-line program that's distributed free and can be cloned by anyone is going to affect anything we do at Microsoft has his head screwed on wrong." -- Bill Gates to George Gilder responding to Java (shortly before licensing Java and dumping Blackbird) "There won't be anything we won't say to people to try and convince them that our way is the way to go." -- Bill Gates on Microsoft marketing "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates circa 1981 "If you can't make it good, at least make it look good." -- Bill Gates on the solid code base of Win9X "I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possibly program, of all time. As the successor to DOS, which has over 10,000,000 systems in use, it creates incredible opportunities for everyone involved with PCs." -- Bill Gates, from "OS/2 Programmer's Guide" (forward by Bill Gates) "There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft" -- Bill Gates, Free Market and the LA Times "This is the right way to develop applications for OS/2 PM. OS/2 PM is a tremendously rich environment, which makes it inherently complex. Smalltalk/V PM removes that complexity and lets you concentrate on writing great programs. Smalltalk/V PM is the kind of tool that will make OS/2 the successor to MS/DOS". -- Bill Gates, from the back of an old Digitalk Smalltalk/V PM manual, 1990 Developer: Does the announcement [of the OS/2 joint development agreement between IBM and Microsoft] mean that Microsoft is curtailing any plans for future development of Windows? Gates: Microsoft has not changed any of its plans for Windows. It is obvious that we will not include things like threads and preemptive multitasking in Windows. By the time we added that, you would have OS/2. -- Bill Gates, from "OS/2 Notebook", Microsoft Press, (c) 1990--an excerpt from an interview with Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino, p. 614 Interviewer: Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer? Gates: No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system. -- Bill Gates, from "Programmers at Work" by Microsoft Press, interview with Bill "If you don't know what you need Windows NT for, you don't need it." -- Bill Gates "New interface closely resembles Presentation Manager, preparing you for the wonders of OS/2!" -- Microsoft Advertisement On the Box of Windows 2.11 for 286 "Microsoft programs are generally bug-free. If you visit the Microsoft hotline, you'll literally have to wait weeks if not months until someone calls in with a bug in one of our programs. 99.99% of calls turn out to be user mistakes. I know not a single less irrelevant reason for an update than bugfixes. The reasons for updates are to present more new features." -- Bill Gates, on code stability, from Focus Magazine "Imagine the disincentive to software development if after months of work another company could come along and copy your work and market it under it's own name...without legal restraints to such copying, companies like Apple could not afford to advance the state of the art." -- Bill Gates, on Microsoft's GUI innovations (unconfirmed quote) "The next generation of interesting software will be made on a Macintosh, not an IBM PC." -- Bill Gates (unconfirmed quote)